The Courage to Stay Connected When You Want to Defend Yourself

You know that feeling when someone says, “That hurt me,” and your stomach drops? Your pulse quickens, and your mind races through all the reasons why their pain isn’t your fault. That moment, that precise moment, is where relationships are either made or broken.

What if defensiveness is merely fear in disguise?

When we rush to explain our intentions instead of listening to someone’s pain, we are not truly communicating, we are merely performing. We attempt to control how we are perceived rather than being present with the other person’s experience.

Our brains respond to threats to our self-image with the same urgency as they do to physical danger. This is why you may experience a wave of heat in your chest or tension in your jaw when someone tells you that you have hurt them. Your body reacts instinctively, often before you have time to think. You brace yourself and prepare to defend.

But here’s the uncomfortable truth; you can be a good person who has done a hurtful thing. These two aspects can coexist, and in fact, they often do. All of us have experienced both sides. The people who cultivate strong relationships are not those who never cause harm; rather, they are the ones who remain open when harm is acknowledged.

The most powerful words in any relationship are not “I’m right.” They are “Tell me more.” When we replace explanations with curiosity, the entire dynamic shifts. The other person feels heard, and the conversation becomes collaborative rather than adversarial. As a result, the relationship strengthens instead of suffering another setback.

Try this the next time you feel defensive: pause and take a deep breath. Instead of saying, “Let me explain,” say, “I want to understand.” Ask, “What did that feel like for you?” Allow yourself to sit with the discomfort of not immediately fixing the situation, embrace the moment without rushing to protect your image.

This isn’t about achieving perfection; it’s about being present. It’s about prioritizing connection over control. That’s where true courage resides. Defensiveness builds walls while vulnerability builds bridges. The choice is always available.

- Sara